I have only one thing to say to thee, thou must learn the art of porper puntcuatoin, and grammar skilis. From who” thou asketh; It’s me 🙂.
It was good to hear from you, thanks for writing to me
you totally did not write to me but okay 🙂. I hope this letter finds you in the best of health and spirits, as is the most boring way to start any letter, as any experienced English teacher cough me cough cough might tell you.
I am writing this letter because there is something that struck my pensive mind the other day when I was gazing passively at the stars, reminiscing the golden years I spent as a youth, and as I pondered about the wonderous aspects of life as we see it now, I realized that I might as well share my advanced knowledge to delinquent students, such as yourselves.
And I don’t mean to offend you in any possible way, no, not at all…😇. I’m merely concerned about the fact that what if something were to happen to me this day? Or say tomorrow or the day after that? Who would tell you about the impeccably invaluable things that your misbehaved minds must know at such a tender age?
Now, I won’t bore you with details, and get straight to the point, because in the words of the remarkable Miles Davis-
I suppose it must be quite clear to you that I’m not the person who likes wasting time. That is why when I was correcting your hastily scribbled English papers I got infuriated because that is exactly what I felt I was enduring- time waste. Ahem, you see, your English papers were quite…well, let’s just say that they were…something.
*deep breath* Okay, here goes-
From misspelling “receive” as “recieve”, to using “thought” after “didn’t”, the number of errors in the grammar of the papers was devastating 🤯! I was quite positively alarmed at the absurdity of the blunders you dared to make! Seriously, have I not taught you anything?! Have all these years of teaching you that the word “despite” does not require an “of” been a mere waste of my precious time 😵?! I mean, how hard is it to remember that “year” only has one syllable, and not two!? And why, why would you think that when Bassanio was talking about the golden fleece, he was actually referring to the fleece, when the fleece was just a metaphor for the uNiMaGiNaBlE bEaUtY oF pOrTiA!?
I am so angry! I have never met a batch of students so utterly thoughtless and imbecile! Not to mention, the number of pupils who put a comma after “nevertheless” was enough to give me an existential crisis! If only my subject was that easy! Do you even know the basic concepts of English!? Because at this point, I am sure you cannot even spell common words like “sesquipedalian”, which for your kind information, means “relating to long words” 🙄. The juniors did so much better than you (they did worse actually, but you don’t need to know that). But you won’t study because you think my subject is oh-so-easy. Well if it’s that easy, try answering this ☺!
I’m sure your puny little brains can’t answer that. Do you know why? BECAUSE IT IS NEITHER YES NOR NO 😩! It is the third, secret option, you daft fools! You are too busy thinking about gravity and circles and winds and X and Y chromosomes and anything related to any subject but mine to be able to use your brain in logical matters for significant questions like THIS!
Absurdly ludicrous! Outrageously preposterous! Incredibly insane! Never have I felt the curse so strongly upon the Jewish nation! I am so disappointed in you that I cannot even-
*deep breaths* I’m trying to calm down now.
Well, I’m not so sure this much amount of vexation is good for my blood pressure. So I might as well get to the point of what I wanted to tell you through this letter right away, which is none other than…
Your English Teacher,
From a room in Portia’s house in Belmont.
Well, that was fun to write, hehe.
Check out my other post: A Letter from Your Maths Teacher.
That one was quite a hit, all credits to Akshita’s post- A Letter from Algebra. And so, I decided to do a similar one, and here we are. I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know if you liked it. Do check out Akshita’s post, it was hilarious!