Not my battle…

Running, shivering, panting, I chased you. You were my last battle. I came to you, crawling, did everything I could to have you. Only now do I realize that I destroyed myself in fighting for you.

For ’twas not my battle to fight. Loss or victory? I got neither. You were someone else’s, already fought for, already won. And all I was doing was trying to hold on
to a broken string. I was a house made of glass, I broke when I was invincible, broke after having hurt everything in my path. You didn’t break me by throwing stones, you broke me after adorning me with flowers.

Now I’m shattered, my heart doesn’t thud. Every day is longer than the last. Every second alone is a reminder of what I could never have. I’m trying to swim my way out of this black hole, trying to find solace in the fact that you’re with someone you want. But it still hurts. If only I could rewind all this, go back in time and change it…

Except I know I wouldn’t be able to do it, even if I could. Wouldn’t be able to stop myself from loving you, even if I knew it would hurt.

~Nehal

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Shh, don’t say it…

Don’t tell me how much you love me,
Don’t tell me how much you care
Don’t tell me about the tears you shed,
Or how lonely you felt when I wasn’t there.

Don’t tell me any of this
For I know that I can hurt you,
Know that there is a chance one of us might walk away,
And know deep down it will be who.

Don’t tell me any of this,
For I will try every second to live up to your love,
I will try every second to believe,
In something I know you don’t deserve.

Don’t tell me any of this,
For I’ll overthink every moment of us,
And even though I know I love you too,
I will worry that I might never be enough.

Don’t tell me any of this,
For I am scared that I will shatter you,
I am scared of commitment,
And I am scared of what this fear of mine might lead to.

Don’t tell me any of this at all,
Not now, and not ever,
For I am just trying to live in the moment,
When you are having dreams of forever.

So don’t tell me how much you love me,
And don’t ever tell me how much you care,
For I am too much of a coward,
And I’ll just end up walking away.

~Nehal

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Dear Papa….

You taught me to love,
And to love with all my heart,
But what matters more is that
You gave me a reason to love.

You taught me to be attached,
In a way that is not consuming, but free.
But what matters more is that
You gave me a reason to be attached.

You taught me to be fierce,
In a bold, reckless way,
But what matters more is that,
You showed me a reason to be fierce.

You taught me to crack a joke,
And laugh hard in the worst of situations,
But what matters more is that,
You gave me a reason to laugh.

And…

You taught me to live,
And to just live it up,
But what matters more Papa,
Is that you gave me not one,
But a thousand reasons to live.

~Nehal

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Happy Birthday Papa 💖!! The most supportive, understanding, brave and amazing person. You own my heart and you own the world. Have the best birthday ever. Love you loads.

I’ll Miss You

Those fights and cries make me smile.
Those smiles and laughs make me cry.

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Clean, little miss perfect that you are,
The house is spic and span.
Not one pen is out of place,
Not one item litters the rooms.
That’s when I notice:
Every object is shoved into my cupboard.

I dash into your room,
Desperate for revenge.
I ruin the perfectly made bed
And smile with satisfaction
At the look of anger on your face,
But a little unexpected guilt can be felt.

I wonder now as I look at the house:
It won’t remain so clean when you leave.
I wonder if I would feel elated
When I see the house devoid of its sickening tidiness,
Or if I would feel a sense of tidying it up myself
Just to make sure your essence still lingers.

You don’t like me sharing your bed,
Well, it’s not like I am a fan of it either.
I desperately want to sleep more comfortably
Alone, without you controlling the room’s temperature
Or constantly opening the light,
Indifferent to my indignant protests.

I realise now what an impact your long presence has had.
For years, we only get to see you after months.
But now as it’s a pandemic, we stay together for months.
And suddenly the heart warming idea of having my own bed
Sends shivers down my back,
When I think how much your reassuring presence next to me had meant.

As always you are on your phone right now
Quite oblivious to the fact that I am writing about you.
People marvel at the fact that you are my big sister,
I mean, there is a whole 13 year difference between our ages.
That’s the reason why you can buy me novels, you’re older,
But that’s also the reason why you usually stay apart.

You are a true beauty,
I love fighting with your pretty face.
That’s the time I can always say that “I Hate You”.
But what I hate is when we don’t talk for days.
It’s frustrating that in the end,
It’s always me who wants to be friends again.

I’ll miss you for sure
Now that we have stayed together for so long.
Every time I say that you are the worst person ever,
I know it’s not true.
Every time I swear that I won’t cry when you leave,
I weep harder.

And all of a sudden, I feel
That I could bare a  thousand chilling nights
Just to be able to sleep by your side.
One hug from you and I know I’ll have sweet dreams.
One “choooozaaa” from you is enough for the night
And I’ll try to ignore that you will be on your phone until 3 a.m.

Oh! How much I love you!
So much that it actually hurts.
So much that since as long as I can remember,
I’ve been making “Welcome Home Di” cards for you.
Something seems to be stuck in my eyes and I blink hard,
I frown at the person who makes me feel this way,
And all of a sudden, I feel better.

~Nehal

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